I’m so fucking mad.
I’m a massage therapist. I use various techniques to apply pressure to your muscles, fascia, and tissues to relieve pain, increase range of motion, increase blood and lymph flow, and impart relaxation and a sense of well-being to your body. I spent good money and an incredible amount of time and effort to attend a 600-hour massage school where I learned in-depth about human anatomy and pathology. I learned which technique of touch it takes to break up scar tissue adhesions or increase circulation to a different part of the body or clear up edema. I took a really difficult exam to prove that I knew all of this and become licensed to perform therapeutic massage.
Guess what that means? I am not here to turn you on. I am not here to get you off. I am not here to SEE YOUR GODDAMN DICK. If you want someone to do that, hire a prostitute. They’re all over Craigslist and Backpage. They’re not hard to find. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, go to a licensed massage therapist. You are NOT going to get what you want, and you are INSULTING and DEMEANING the person who is there to provide you with a therapeutic service.
Do not continuously moan. Do not gyrate your fucking hips all over the table. Do not attempt to show me your dick. Do not leave ejaculate or whateverthefuck all over my table. Do NOT call me “baby.” Are you kidding? Like, seriously? This is 2014. How do you not know that massage therapists aren’t prostitutes?
Massage is used in the goddamn Olympics and the goddamn NFL to prepare athletes for events and help them recover afterward. Massage helps kids with goddamn asthma breathe better. Massage exponentially improves the quality of life for cancer patients. And yeah, it feels good. I know it feels good. It feels awesome. It in no way feels sexual, though. If you think it does, you’re doing something wrong. Your mind is NOT where it should be. You should NOT be on my table or the table of any other licensed massage therapist.
Just, please. I understand you’re human and you have sexual needs. But therapeutic massage is NOT what you need. Therapeutic massage is one of the LAST things you need until you’ve gotten that under control. We have worked REALLY hard, and we’re STILL working really hard, to shake that stigma of “happy endings” or whateverthefuck. Please don’t come to a therapeutic massage center until you understand that.
But regardless, don’t ever come see me or any of my coworkers again.
I just found out Richie Furay is a Tea Partier and now I think I know the real reason the Buffalo Springfield reunion never happened. :( :( :( :( :(